i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
