my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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