well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
