I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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