Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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