I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
