i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
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Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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