i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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