forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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