I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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