Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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