So drunk its hurt
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
