I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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