the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
