Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
