If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
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At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
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Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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