sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
