so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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