You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
