i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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