Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
