Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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