How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
