You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
