Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
