I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
