yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
