Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
