dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jerry, you need to find god
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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