He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
