cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
