Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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