Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
