Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
