I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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