I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
