Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
