Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
