everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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