hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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