batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
