How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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