I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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