Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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