Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
