fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
