he thought i was a dude.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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