dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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