I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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