He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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