Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
