im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
