I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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