btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
