I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
